Two months on since giving birth to Arran, and it was surprisingly a lot harder than expected.
Just when you think you’re moving on and are managing, or coping with the loss of a pregnancy, and your baby – BOOM! You suddenly realise the bereavement journey is longer and more bumpy than predicted. Just as the road seems smoother and you can see the sunshine on the horizon, and the trees, and the hope that you once believed was lost – you hit a pothole which throws you off track and into a deep dark ditch of which you believe, you will never escape.
But you will.
I became increasingly emotional and irritable in the days leading up to the 2 month mark of Arran’s passing, which I now know to be hormone related as beloved Mother Nature paid a painful and extremely heavy visit to me on that very morning but this time she only stuck around for a week, unlike last month when she overstayed her welcome by about a fortnight.
As well as this, I had volunteered and was giving away a lot of my time to others, for social or work reasons, for little or no money, and was feeling very burnt out, and sadly un-appreciated. I always go out of my way to help others as much as possible, but felt that people’s demands of me were a little unrealistic. Perhaps my own fault for being positive and upbeat and “wimpy” by not being able to say “no”, but I guess its easy for people to forget the emotional and physical trauma I went through just 8 weeks ago, and to expect more from me than I am actually capable of giving.
I was also counselling a lovely lady who had discovered her baby had anencephaly that week and was going into hospital to give birth. I was so so happy to help her and be there for her in any way I could, to make the experience less traumatic for her, but in doing so, it raked up a lot of painful memories for me which came to the surface.
And then, my beloved cat whom I have owned and loved for 17 years, had to be put to sleep. This was the straw that broke the camels back, or heart, should I say. It broke me. Completely. And all the tears and emotions I had managed to tuck away in the back of my conscience, were released in a tidal wave of deep despair. I could not stop the tears. I could not stop the pain. For days I felt consumed by the darkest thoughts, alone in the emptiness of grief and loss.
And I began to question my sanity and positivity this last week, which was a very desperate and lonely place. Like the ditch on the road to recovery. But I want others going through similar to know that you are not losing your mind, and that as Mother Nature comes and goes, so do these somewhat, unbearable feelings. And you can… and WILL, pull yourself from that ditch, and continue towards that sunset and the promise of a brighter future.
Grief, I believe, never goes. It never leaves us. Yet we learn to manage, to deal and to live with it. We find ways to fill the emptiness left inside of us when we lose something or someone we love. We absolutely have to – or we will never leave that ditch, and the darkness will win over us.
Thankfully my hormones settled, and I had the comfort and love of my close family to support me through the last weeks events, to reassure me and to drag me out of my pit. I have the beautiful memories of Arran and my cat, which have enabled me to keep them alive in my heart and mind, now that I am feeling stronger. And I know that in the future, I will hit many more potholes, but having experienced and survived so many recently, I know I can – and I WILL – overcome any more that present themselves to me in the future.
And for anyone reading this, going through similar loss or grief or hormonal upsets, take comfort in knowing that you will get through this. It may not seem like it when you’re stuck in that ditch of despair. But just believe and have faith in yourself, and in the beauty of the life that awaits you, and you will be okay xxx