It has nearly been two months since we lost Arran, and was nearing the due date of my dear friend’s baby.
And her baby shower.
I decided to write about this as I know it was questioned as to whether to invite me to her baby shower after my recent loss, and whether it would be inappropriate or inconsiderate to do so.
In response to that I say – absolutely not.
And here’s why. Life is a beautiful gift, and one that should be celebrated.
After giving birth to Arran, I was in a private room on a ward where mothers and their new babies were spending their first days and hours together. Hearing the babies chirps and cries did not leave me feeling bitter, in fact, it comforted me. Knowing that baby was bringing so much joy to two lucky parents, and in return was being showered with love and attention filled me with a warmth and almost, a happiness. I was not jealous. I was not angry. I was not wondering “why them and not me”. I had nothing but admiration for the beautiful gift they had all just received, and hearing them rejoice this in the rooms around me gave me a great peace.
Yes I miss my baby and my pregnancy. And yes I cry a lot and yearn for the child I will never see grow. But I would never feel contempt towards anyone experiencing the blessing of pregnancy, birth and new life. I feel only love and excitement for them, and the hope that one day, I may feel the same again myself.
I know that everyone is different, but this is genuinely how I feel.
And my wonderful friend is one of the kindest, caring and selfless people I have ever met, who has sadly experienced loss herself, and deserves this little bundle of joy more than anything and will make the most amazing mother. What a lucky little baby she has!
I’d spent the days before her shower frantically finishing a little doll I was crocheting of a yoga mummy carrying a little baby, and was so happy to give it to her finally. The baby shower was an elegant and almost sophisticated tea party – and was just lovely! And I hope that she enjoyed it.
I admit I did shed a tear or two after the party. It was a combination of happy tears for my friend and the lovely afternoon we’d shared, yet also a tear for little Arran who would never have his own baby shower. But then, he had a wonderful ceremony in the weeks after his passing when we planted the tree and gave him gifts of balloons, and windmills and other sentimental keep sakes.
Someone messaged me after and asked how I was, and how I really felt. And I told them that I was genuinely – fine! And I am genuinely am.
What goes around comes around, and I celebrate others new lives, safe in the knowing that one day, I will be celebrating my own.
And now, I just have to contain my excitement until my friend’s new baby arrives and I can get my first cuddle! 🙂
UPDATE: My friend gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy who is just adorable (and gives the best cuddles!) He has also fallen in love with the little crochet doll I made his Mummy just before his birth and cuddles it a lot. So much so, my friend has asked me to make another – as a backup for him.
What an honour!!!