Laughter is the best medicine

As already said, I was touched by the amount of people who offered their support this past fortnight, especially from those I had never met. For instance, the members of a French Mums Group (Mums Space France). Most of whom are complete strangers, sent me so many messages of support and love, I was completely overwhelmed. They also decided as a group to purchase and name a star in honour of Baby Arran. Words can not express my gratitude towards these wonderful women.

After Arran’s birth whilst bed bound and peeing in a bed pan, I felt a little sorry for myself. I messaged all these virtual Mummy friends and asked for some light relief in the form of some jokes. These were some of the clean and politically correct responses, and let me tell you, laughter really is fantastic medicine!

I dedicate this blog post to Mums Space. Thanks for making me smile xxx

 

Scientists sneak up on the periodic table and add element of surprise

What does Will Smith leave in the snow? Fresh prints!

What’s the hairiest side of a horse? The outside!

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert..


What cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone…

What’s s french man in sandals called? Philippe Filop

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way…

Why did the cookies and cream go to outer space? To visit the Milky Way

English cat called 123, and a French cat called un,deux,trois swimming the Channel. One cat drowned the other survived. Which one drowned?…the French one of course because un, deux, trois, quatre (cat), cinq (sank)!

Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?  He was craving a well balanced meal

What’s the most common owl? A tea-towel

What do cows most like to read? …………….Cattle-logs.

What do you call a bee that’s having a bad hair day? ……………Frisbee.

What numbers did the French hen say when she laid an egg? 719 Sept un neuf

Why did the pig leave the costume party? Because everyone thought he was a boar ..

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed

Where do bees pee ? At the BP garage !

Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels.

What did one snowman say to the other? Can you smell carrots?

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red ? So they can hide in cherry trees

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What looks like half a loaf of bread? The other half.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What’s black and white and red all over? A newspaper..
What’s black and white and red all over? A burnt penguin…

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

What’s green and hairy and goes up and down ? A gooseberry in a lift !

What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing….it just waved!

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something!

Why aren’t there any aspirins in the Jungle? Because the paracetamol

What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey

Why aren’t there any aspirins in the Jungle? Because the paracetamol

Why aren’t there any aspirins in the Jungle? Because the paracetamol

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
No you’re a poo!

How do you spell a hungry horse in 4 letters? MTGG

When’s a door not a door? When it’s ajar!
Why did the banana went to the doctor? ………….because it didn’t peel well.

A man walks into the toilet to change the toilet roll…

Never believe atoms….they make up everything

There once was a man from Bengal,
Who went to a fancy dress ball,
He dressed as a bun,
And joined in the fun,
But a dog ate him up in the hall!!

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear,
I’ve often seen her little lamb,
But I’ve never seen her bare!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

 

 

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