A bitter pill to swallow

Following the abuse I received earlier this morning, and the test of my own self belief, I was feeling a little fragile.

However, I picked myself up and dusted myself off. I had to go to the hospital today to take the tablets which would prepare my body to give birth to our little Ziggy this Friday.

I was petrified if I’m completely honest. But surprisingly ready.

As we waited in the corridor, it was eerily dark as most of the departments did not start work until 930am. It was only 8am!

A wonderful midwife, whose name I can still not pronounce came and took me into her office. She asked me if I had read the information sheet provided to me. I nodded, but honestly, I hadn’t. I’d asked so many questions prior to this day, that I was sure there was nothing on the sheet I didn’t already know. WRONG! As she told me she would get the tablets (yes, plural) I quickly read the sheet which stated three tablets would be taken together. Not one!

They were a lot smaller than I imagined. I guess I thought something as horrible as this would obviously come in a pill format the size of a tampon, to make it extra difficult to swallow. But no, just little round pills, that stared up at me from the table, singing “Eat me”.

A hard lump formed in my throat. This was it. Once I took these tablets, that was it. No going back. But there was nothing to go back to, sadly. There was only one direction. One option. And this was it.

I asked if I could have an anti emetic to stop me feeling sick after taking the tablets, and whilst the midwife went off to get some, I placed my hands over my stomach and spoke to my baby. I told them I loved them and that they would be ok. A little tear dripped down onto my tummy, but at that moment I felt overcome with peace. I was ready. We were ready.

The anti emetic came in the form of a liquid which she squirted onto two sugar cubes. It was either that or a suppository, she told me. I took the sugar cubes! And with one hand still resting over my stomach, I picked up the three tablets and swallowed them down. It was done.

The midwife showed me the overnight room where I would stay on Friday, and the maternity ward with labour rooms I would be in. I will have a midwife dedicated to me for the entire time and apparently, my prise en charge is lovely. Although not on duty today, I was reassured she is a very sympathetic and kind woman and I could not be in better hands.

We discussed our wishes for the baby after they are born. I will be allowed to spend as much time as I want with the baby, which is so important to me. I want to have some alone time with my little Ziggy, to say goodbye and “I love you”. After we can name the baby and decide to have the hospital cremate the body, or we can take the body to bury / cremate ourselves. Usually they would offer for the baby to be sent to Toulouse for an autopsy, but this is not the case with us. I’m quite pleased as I wouldn’t want our tiny little baby being… well… you know. It just didn’t feel right.

I have to say I am completely in awe of our hospital and their staff for the amazing and compassionate way they have dealt with us and our situation. I’m so glad our baby will be born there.

I slept all the way home, and then I slept for two hours once we got home, and a further two hours that afternoon. I have a feeling this may be a side effect of the tablets, but other than this I have had no symptoms at all.

I feel its so important to document all of this as I have had sleepless nights worrying about the procedures and the consequences. I’d like to think that if anyone else has to go through the same harrowing ordeal, that they may find some comfort and reassurance in my rather detailed posts! I know I wish I’d have had a resource such as this to reference to and help me through such an event. I just need to gather as much strength as possible to get me through Friday, when baby will be delivered.

And on that note, I am heading off to sleep… again.

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